Journal Entry: Sun Nov 1, 2015, 11:21 AM
So I'm using the tissue paper journal skin cause this will be a journal filled with issues >w>
First, still no job and I have stopped looking due to my leg is not getting better. It's gotten worse honestly, but the plan is that I head down to VA for a few weeks till I am fully better, because my doctor is there and not here in NY.
Second...this is a bit hard to put into words for me and admit it but...a few days ago my mom and I were talking and I found myself crying for no clear reason. I've been doing that a lot lately, along with getting mad easily. And God bless her for knowing more about feelings than I do cause I don't think I'd be able to see this without her help.
I've been depressed for the past few weeks. I've been anxious, always waiting for one thing to happen to make me happy, then finding I need to wait for something else to happen first before I can get to the first thing to make me happy...I've been waiting and just plain down at many times.
I just thought if I kept a good attitude, and pushed through the sadness I felt through the days, things would get better. But that's not how it works.
It's weird though...depression is stereotyped as being at the very bottom of the sadness and you feel like it's hard to keep living with life. I don't feel any of that, goodness knows I don't ever consider suicide. But I don't exactly feel happy like I did before I graduated.
That's not to say that all people with depression are faking it. I'm NOT saying that at all. There are people out there that do feel at the bottom. And I hope that they find what helps make them better, or find help before they feel there's no use in trying. There is always hope! It's just not always clear or easy.
...you know what's weirder than finding out that what I've been feeling is depression? I feel...Better that what I've been feeling has a name. I haven't been feeling something that can't be helped or will slowly kill me inside. It's something that I can manage and resolve once I understand it more.
And don't worry, this isn't a journal telling you guys I'm so depressed that I've considered ending things unless I get 10 comments by the time today's done, no.
Like I say in a lot of journals, these things help me understand my feelings when they're not clear. Or they help make the feelings less confusing. Also I hope that this helps anyone out there, who's feeling similar things, that not everyone is immune to depression.
And now onto the final part of the journal! Like I said earlier, thank you guys for reading all of this if you have, I will be going to VA in about 2 weeks. And during that time I will be careful of my leg, continue to do things that help me feel less anxious, and I'll talk to my doctor about this when I get back to VA.
I know that it won't be that simple either. Just one doctor visit and I'm cured, no. That's why I'm starting with this journal. I really need to be able to write this stuff, so then after a month has gone by, I can see how I felt right now.
Lastly, I promise it is the last thing, my mom had a very grown up talk with a cousin of hers, who's not the most dependable out there and has a bad track record with guys.
My mom took her out to lunch and had a serious conversation about their relationship, because it was one of those she couldn't be honest with her because her cousin would get mad, and not talk to her but use her son to talk to my brother, literally talking behind her back about things.
But she took her out to lunch and had a serious conversation, basically telling her that they need to have a grown up relationship. None of this "I don't want to bother you, so I'll use my son to get info from your son," just clear communication between them.
Now! Why did I bring this up? Cause I need to be able to have different relationships with some of my friends on here. I don't mean that I'm just gonna throw out names and block people. It means I need to start being more honest THAN nice with some of you. I need to be able to feel like I can talk with you guys and you won't hate me for it.
So I'm not saying specific people. I'm this to saying everyone. I might talk a bit more...bluntly with you guys. I'll still be nice, but not if I disagree with something. I will tell you if I disagree with something a friend stated, and then we need to be able to be okay with that disagreement.
I can't be the "YES Girl" anymore...I'm scared that might destroy a part inside me.
So again, I might be blunt, but I don't mean any of it in bad spirits. I love you guys so much. And it means a lot that I have you right now.
Talk to you guys later, and remember! It's okay to be sad and cry. Being sad and then letting go of what makes us sad is how we heal on the inside feel I figure. I dunno, just random thoughts from me I guess ;w;
Love you all!
Listening to: Mr. Sark
Watching: Mr. Sark
Playing: Something here and there